


One of the Guys

by sonofthanatos



Category: South Park
Genre: Friendship, Humor, M/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:07:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24737413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonofthanatos/pseuds/sonofthanatos
Summary: How Tweek met his friends.
Relationships: Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak
Comments: 54
Kudos: 176





	1. Lunchroom Negotiations

Craig took another bite of his sandwich as he studied the boy in front of him. Tweek was almost birdlike as he took quick, tiny bites of his salad. His eyes kept darting around anxiously, going from Craig to the walls to Craig to the other tables and up to the ceiling, almost as if he expected a sudden ninja attack from the air vents.

Behind Craig, he could hear his friends laughing at some joke or another. Behind Tweek, he could see the four losers eagerly talking about whatever idiocy they were up to this time; he wondered sourly if they were going to get deported again. Determined to stay out of it, Craig had a sip of his chocolate milk.

“Do your friends hate me?!” Tweek suddenly blurted out.

Craig looked at him in surprise. “Of course not. Why do you think that?”

“Because-GAH! Because you always sit with me and not them, and you’re my friend and I’m not-OH JESUS IDON’TWANTTHEMTOHATEME!!” Tweek screeched. His eyes suddenly widened and Craig realized his friends had heard them.

He looked behind him; all three of his friends were staring at them. Craig noted resignedly this would only lead to more questions; none of them could understand why he had started eating with Tweek, or why Tweek had freaked out when they invited him to sit with their group. It had been a moment of personal triumph when Craig was able to sit with Tweek, just the two of them, without the twitchy boy panicking.

“They don’t hate you, Tweek. They just don’t understand why you’re so scared of them.”

Tweek closed his eyes, taking several frantic breaths. “What if they hate me?! What if they hate you as well, then you blame me?! What if you let me join your group chat and I accidentally use one of the trigger words the Facebook bots search for, like ‘bomb’ or ‘hijacking’, and then we all get arrested?! What if I accidentally say something stupid and we all get deported or sent to outer space?! IT’S TOO MUCH PRESSURE!”

“They won’t hate you,” Craig said calmly. “They’re great guys, they don’t hate anybody except that asshole Stan.”

“What about Token?! What if I say something without thinking and it comes out sounding racist, so then he thinks I’m racist?! And then he leaves town and it’s my fault and people burn down my parents’ coffee shop because everybody loves Token? And I get sent to an orphanage?!”

“Token knows you’re not racist. Besides, he’s got a high bullshit tolerance, and he doesn’t get pissed off easily. And even if you DID say something that came out wrong, and you wouldn’t, he’d be fine and just talk to you.”

Tweek’s eyes flipped over Craig’s shoulder, then back to Craig. “What about Jimmy? What if I trip and accidentally kick his crutches and knock him over, and he falls down and hits his head?! And then he gets brain damage and has to have 24 hour care, so then his parents sue me and I have to be their slave for the rest of my life?!”

Craig fought the urge to roll his eyes. At first Tweek’s hysteria and paranoia were confusing, but he was starting to see the logic behind them, if you could call it that.

“Jimmy’s pretty strong, he’s an athlete and works out a lot, you know? He doesn’t go down easily; even in a fight he can definitely hold his own against anybody from our class. You won’t be able to hurt him that badly.”

Tweek stared at him with big eyes. “Clyde’s your best friend though, doesn’t he hate me for taking you away from him?”

“It takes a LOT to make Clyde hate you; he’s sort of like a puppy, running around being friends with everybody. He’s pretty cool. You’ll like him once you get used to him.”

Tweek hesitated, then spoke softly. “Why do _you_ want to be my friend?”

Craig took another drink of his milk while he tried to come up with an answer. He had no idea why he was trying so hard with Tweek, especially when the twitchy blond was so high-strung. He set his milk down and spoke carefully.

“Why not? I think you’re cool, and you’re a good fighter. I want to be friends.” Technically all true, but there was something else, something that Craig couldn’t really understand; he just knew he wanted to be close to Tweek.

Tweek stared at him, then looked over at his friends, then back at him. Craig suddenly realized, with a rare flash of insight, that Tweek wanted to join them but was terrified of being the “new kid” in their group. Something about him seemed really lonely, and it struck Craig hard.

Inspiration hit him. “What if you didn’t meet them together?”

“What?” Tweek focused back on him.

“What if you and I go over to their houses over next weekend? You can meet each of them by themselves, that way you don’t get overwhelmed.”

He could see the defenses slowly faltering in Tweeks eyes, the uncertainty fading. He reached over and, to his own surprise, took Tweek by the hand.

“You’ll do great, Tweek.”

Tweek looked at him, then down at their hands, but didn’t pull back. “You’ll be there too?”

“I promise.”

Tweek nodded uncertainly. “Ok. Next weekend then.”

Craig silently cheered at his victory. “Can I have your number then so I can text you?”

The two exchanged numbers just as the bell rang.

“What are you up to?” Clyde asked, staring at Craig while they got changed for gym class.

“Nothing.” Craig answered.

“Seriously, what’s your plan?” Token asked. “Are you going to trick him into fighting again?”

“Yeah, Craig, you lost fair and s-s-s-squa-s-you lost fair and squaaaaare.” Jimmy told him. “Don’t get beat up a-a-again.”

“It was a tie.” Craig insisted, ignoring his friends rolling their eyes. “You guys home this weekend? He wants to meet you one on one.”

“Awesome!” Clyde cheered. “We finally get to hang out with this guy and figure out what you’re up to hanging out with him and what your deal with him is.”

“I don’t have a deal!” Craig snapped. Clyde looked at him, hurt, and Craig shook himself; why did he get so defensive over that? He tried again. “There’s no deal. I just think he’s cool.”

“Can you bring him over Friday?” Token asked. “My parents are taking me out of town for the weekend. My mom wants to get me new clothes.”

“Sure.” Craig answered. “Then Jimmy can meet him Saturday, and Clyde on Sunday after church.”

As they all filed out, Token paused at the locker room door. He waited until he and Craig were the only ones left, then spoke. “Craig, I’m serious. I don’t know what’s up with Tweek, but he doesn’t have any friends. If this is some prank or a way to beat him up, don’t do it.”

“It’s not that.” Craig said. He hesitated, but Token was the best person for advice. “I don’t know what it is. Honest. I think he’s cool, that’s all.”

Token studied him carefully, then nodded. “Ok.”

They headed out the door together.


	2. Meeting Token

Tweek stared at the large, elegant house in trepidation as he stepped passed the guard and through the gate. Reaching out, he gripped Craig's hand tightly. His heart beat fast; he had never been anywhere with an armed guard outside before! This was so much pressure!

Craig seemed to sense his distress and smiled reassuringly at him. "It's going to be fine, Tweek."

"OH JESUS! This is WAY too much pressure!" Tweek squawked. His other hand shot up and gripped his hair tightly. Craig quickly caught it and slowly pulled it down, turning Tweek to face him.

"Tweek, it's OK. It's like when you pull off a band-aid; just get it over with and it'll feel way better. You're just meeting Token today and hanging out, that's all. I told the guys to take it easy on you anyways."

Tweek wasn't sure how he felt about that. It was nice that Craig was protecting him, but now he just felt guilty that his new friend had to go through so much effort for him. Craig seemed to realize that and, to both their surprise, held his hand soothingly and rubbed his thumb in circles over the back of Tweek's hand. Tweek nodded, suddenly determined. He could do this. He could stand up, he could be strong. He could be like Craig.

He strode towards the door with determination, and before he could stop himself he pushed the doorbell.

The bell chimed loudly through the house. Tweek fidgeted and squirmed nervously, freaking out. "What if he's not here? What if he doesn't like me? What if he thinks I'm after his money?! What if-" 

Craig patted his back reassuringly. "Token's really nice and very calm; you'll like him a lot, and he'll like you too. He likes everybody; he's even nice to Cartman."

Tweek nodded anxiously, staring at Craig and fighting the urge to run. Before he could act on it, Token opened the door, a smile on his face radiating friendliness. "Hey guys, come on in." He extended his hand. "It's so nice to finally meet you officially, Tweek."

Tweek blinked in surprise; he wasn't used to shaking hands with other kids. The only people who shook hands were grown-ups like his parents. Tentatively reaching out, Tweek took Token's hand cautiously, then pulled back quickly. Suddenly a new thought occurred to him. "GAH!" Token looked surprised and Craig quickly looked him over.

"What's wrong?"

"I...nnggg...I'm just really nervous because you're important to Craig and I'm not used to shaking hands! It's not because I'm racist. OH JESUS now you think I'm racist! GAAAH!"

Before Craig could step in, Token reached past him and gently touched Tweek's shoulder. "Tweek, I know you're not a racist. You're just nervous. I'm used to shaking hands with my mom and dad's business associates and their kids. Come on in and we'll talk more."

To Craig's surprise, Tweek actually calmed down a bit; Token's clear honesty and his calm way of speaking obviously did wonders.

"Actually I was hoping you could help me with something." Token led them into the hall and they took their shoes off. "We just got a new coffee maker, an Elektra Belle Epoque. My parents have used it but I'm a bit scared to turn it on; you want to help me try it?"

Ok, that was a lie. Craig knew it instantly. Token was notorious for never touching anything without going over the manual and watching instructional YouTube videos, then making sure he tried it out with his parents before allowing his friends anywhere near it. He opened his mouth to call him out on the lie...and paused.

Tweek's eyes had widened at the name. His fear disappeared instantly at the name of the coffee machine. "You have an Elektra Belle Epoque?" He breathed.

Token nodded. "It's in the kitchen."

Tweek shot forward, dragging Craig behind him as he raced into the kitchen, staring breathlessly at...

"What is that thing?" Craig asked. It looked like an alien life-form had been petrified on Token's counter. The thing was silver and seemed to have arms and a face, like some kind of futuristic robot butler, or a creature from another planet trying to blend in.

"It's a coffee maker." Token said calmly.

"It's not just a coffee maker." Tweek breathed, staring at it as if it were a holy artifact. "It's a work of art. It uses some of the first techniques ever used to make coffee. A burglar could break in and steal it, then sell it for tons of money! I never thought I'd get close to one." He stared at it with wide eyes and looked like he was about to drool over it.

This right here was why Craig loved Token. The guy had gone out of his way to come up with the perfect ice-breaker for Tweek and found a shared interest to get him talking, and managed to do it without being overwhelming. He made a mental note to ask his mom to bake Token a cake or something.

"So how do I use this?" Token asked.

At the prospect of making coffee, Tweek snapped out of whatever trance he had been in. Nervousness completely forgotten, he began issuing orders as he peered carefully at the machine, studying the manual Token offered him like it was a religious text. Token had a triumphant smile as he began pulling ingredients out of the cupboards. Craig noted with dry amusement that Token was obeying Tweek but actually had to stop himself from getting ahead of him; if Tweek hadn't been so focused on the coffee robot it would be obvious Token already knew what he was doing.

The thing whistled and bubbled and hummed as it made the coffee; Craig had to admit it was pretty impressive. Several minutes later, Token had three mugs of hot coffee in front of him while Tweek sprinkled in cinnamon and cream.

Sitting around the kitchen table, Craig took a sip. He wasn't much for coffee but this was really good; he idly wondered if that was because of the machine or because Tweek made it. He half-listened as Token and Tweek talked about different coffees; Token was never one to brag about his wealth, but he started telling Tweek about coffee in Italy vs France, much to the latter's delight. From there Token asked about Tweak Bros. Coffee and Tweek began going on about the different blends they used at the shop; Craig was hopelessly lost, so he just sipped his coffee and listened to his friends. Token seemed to be relaxing as well while he and Tweek talked about the different coffee roasts and insulted Harbucks together. Tweek seemed far more relaxed now, while Token had dropped the more adult mannerisms he usually adopted with strangers and was informal and carefree.

Once their coffees were finished and they carefully put the dishes away and cleaned the coffee maker, they went up to Token's room. His race-car bed was neatly made and his toys were carefully put away. Tweek looked at the bed in awe. "That's so cool!" He exclaimed, twitching nervously as he reached out and touched the steering wheel.

"Yeah. I love it!" Token agreed. "So what do you want to play? I have Monopoly or Clue, or I just got this Lego Harry Potter Great Hall set!"

"Legos!" Both Craig and Tweek chorused in unison.

"I like Legos." Tweek said, embarrassed. It wasn't a secret; they had seen him bring in Legos for show-and-tell when they were younger, and Craig had seen him working on them in his room.

"I like Harry Potter." Craig answered. Token grinned at the two of them; Craig had the sneaking suspicion that his friend had bought this set just because he knew they'd both like it.

"Good idea." Token went to his closet and pulled out the box and opened it. "Ok, according to the instructions..."

They bent over their project in concentration.

By the time they left, Tweek’s twitching had faded to what could be considered "normal" for him. Craig smiled to himself, pleased with his success.

One down, two to go.


	3. Meeting Jimmy

" Jimmy doesn't like people thinking that he needs help. If he stutters, just wait for him to get the words out. If he needs your help, he'll ask you for it."

Tweek nodded as he and Craig walked down the street from Craig’s to Jimmy's house. Craig glanced at him reassuringly. "He's really a great guy. Just never, under any circumstances, pick 'dare' with him if we're playing Truth or Dare. Last time he got to dare somebody, Token had to call Nichole and explain the rules of monopoly while dancing the Macarena." Tweek giggled as Craig continued. "Nichole couldn't see him of course, so she just heard him moving around and out of breath while trying to talk about hotels; she thought he was insane. It was hilarious watching him try to explain that one on Monday.”

Tweek was laughing hysterically at that point; not the light giggles he gave out sometimes, but a loud, high-pitched, dorky laugh, completely unrestrained. Craig felt a surge of pride that he was able to get the twitchy boy to loosen up and have some fun. "Not that 'Truth' is that much better. Last time he asked me 'If you had to date one of us, who would it be?'" As soon as the words were out, Craig regretted them; he didn't really understand the strange feeling he got when Jimmy had asked that and thinking about it now, he was still confused.

Tweek looked at him with wide eyes. "What was your answer?"

Craig flushed. "I picked 'Dare' instead."

They were outside the Valmers’ house now, and before Tweek could ask any more questions, Craig reached out and knocked. A moment later, Mr. Valmer appeared.

"Oh, hello boys. Jimmy's in the back yard, working out."

Craig led Tweek through the house to the backyard. Jimmy had set up a series of workouts that mainly seemed to be focused on arm strength. There was a weight station and a chin-up bar, and a set of rings dangling from the top of the old swing set. Jimmy was currently swinging from them; his crutches were propped up against the swing set.

"H-h-h-hey dudes!" He called out.

"Hey Jimmy.” Craig said emotionlessly. He felt weirdly nervous; he didn’t know why bringing Tweek into their group was so scary for him, so he deliberately kept himself as flat as possible. “I brought Tweek over.”

"Hi Jimmy!" Tweek called out, his voice cracking uncertainly.

“Finally!” Jimmy carefully lowered himself down, then dropped to the ground. Craig looked back at Tweek quickly, but to his relief Tweek wasn't moving. The blond had one foot slightly forward, as though he had started to move, but luckily, he’d managed to catch himself.

Jimmy held onto one ring with his hand and used the other to reach for his crutches. Grabbing one, he put his arm in, then released the ring and put his weight on the crutch while he got the other one. Craig was relieved at the expression on Jimmy's face; his friend clearly appreciated Tweek leaving him to help himself.

"It's nice to finally hang out, Tweek. C-c-Craig's been hiding you away for-fore-for-fo-fo-forev-Craig's been hiding you away foreeever."

“It's not Craig's fault.” Tweek answered shyly. “I'm-GAH!-not good at meeting people. It’s too much pressure!"

"You were friends with Cartman; that would scar anybody for life." Jimmy made his way over to the picnic table that stood closer to the door, away from the equipment, and Tweek and Craig met him there. Cautiously they all sat down.

Tweek looked over the exercise equipment again. "Do you work out a lot?" Before Jimmy could answer Tweek’s eyes widened. “OH JESUS! Not that you can’t! I mean-OH GOD! NOW YOU HATE ME!”

“Calm down, T-t-t-tweek.” Jimmy told him calmly. “I know what you meant. You don’t have much experienced with handicapped people, do you?”

Tweek shook his head, looking ready to bolt. Jimmy smiled reassuringly at him. "It’s OK, a lot of people feel uncomfortable. I work out a l-l-lot. It's good physical therapy, and I'm p-p-p-part of this local group called the Held Back Holsteins.” Tweek’s eyes widened. “It’s j-j-j-just a sports group for hand-ha-handi-han-ha-It’s just a sports group for handicaaaaapped kids. I'm planning to try out for the Special Olympics as soon as I turn 18.”

"That's really cool!" Tweek said excitedly, appearing somewhat calmer. "I've never met an Olympian before!"

Jimmy grinned at him. "I've still got a long way to go, but I'm practicing every day! It's good practice for c-c-camp toooooo."

"What camp do you go to?"

"E-e-every summer I go to Lake Tardicaca. It's a special camp for handicapable k-k-k-kids. Nathan and Mimsy from school go there too. What ab-b-b-b-what about youuuu? Do you go to c-c-camp?"

"No. My dad says that camp and organized sports are where imagination goes to die.” Tweek almost sounded wistful. Craig was surprised at that; he would have thought that Tweek would be scared of getting brain damage from a ball to the face. “He says if I want to be active, I can do yoga or Tai Chi. I think he’s going to let me play soccer though, I really want to join the South Park Cows in school.”

Jimmy’s eyebrows raised. “You do y-y-y-you do yoga? My physiotherapist has been after me to t-t-t-try it. He says it’s gooooood for my circulation.”

“It’s really good!” Tweek said enthusiastically. “Want me to show you some easy poses?”

“Sure.” Jimmy got up again as Tweek headed into the grass.

“Come on Craig!” Tweek called out. Craig was about to decline, when he realized that Tweek was really nervous; he clearly wanted Craig there for support. Something about that made Craig feel warm inside, but he couldn’t figure out what that meant.

As they tried the first stretch, Craig was really struggling. “It helps if you take off your pants.” Tweek suggested.

Jimmy wolf-whistled and pulled a dollar bill out of his pocket. “T-t-t-take it off!” He cheered. Tweek turned bright red and froze, obviously ready to flee.

“Leave him alone,” Craig said firmly, surprised at his own protectiveness. Jimmy shot him a curious look but said nothing.

Still blushing, Tweek smiled shyly at Craig. “I’m used to taking my clothes off. My parents and I go to this place sometimes where everybody’s naked to help us commune with nature.”

Jimmy stared at him. “Tweek, you’ve GOT to let me interview you for the school p-p-paper.”

Turning even redder, Tweek looked anxiously at Craig, obviously scared of what to do next. Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Craig stripped down to his white briefs. Jimmy followed suit, and Tweek gave Craig a grateful smile before joining them. Unlike the other two, he was wearing boxers, grey ones with coffee cups all over them.

The next 30 minutes were ridiculous. Craig felt like they were playing Twister as Tweek carefully guided them through a series of poses, making sure that none of them were too difficult for Jimmy; Tweek talked them through some poses called Downward Dog and Cobra while Craig helped by holding Jimmy’s hips when necessary (after threatening Jimmy with an atomic wedgie if he farted on Craig).

“Wow, Tweek, that f-f-f-f-that feeeels way better!” Jimmy exclaimed. “No wonder you like doing this s-s-s-stuff.” They all lay flat on their backs with their palms up in what Tweek called a “rest pose” to finish their session. His crutches lay within arms’ reach, but he just lay on the grass.

“Yeah, my family does it every morning.” Tweek told him. “My dad says it keeps your mind, body, and soul in balance. I just like that I’m more flexible now.”

“How flexible are you?” Craig asked curiously.

“Yeah. W-w-w-what’s the hardest pose you can do?”

Tweek sat up in his boxers and took a deep breath. Grabbing his ankle with his hands, he moved his other leg around. Jimmy and Craig stared in shock as he twisted and squirmed, carefully putting each of his bare feet behind his head and crossing his ankles, then rolled forward and raised his entire body, holding himself up with one hand while the other hooked around and gripped his feet.

Craig’s mouth was suddenly very dry. His heart beat in his chest and his legs shook; he stared at the human pretzel in front of him, trying to understand the strange feeling coursing through him. Luckily, Jimmy was busy being impressed.

“Tweek, that’s awesome!!” Jimmy exclaimed.

“Thanks.” Tweek answered, sounding embarrassed and proud at the same time. “It took me a long time to be able to do this one.” He slowly eased himself down and untangled himself.

They all got dressed again before sitting down at the picnic table. Jimmy’s eyes sparkled. “Tweek, did you ever hear the one about Sherlock Holmes c-c-c-caaamping?”

“No.” Tweek shook his head curiously.

Jimmy grinned widely and leaned forward. “Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a c-c-c-camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. A few hours later Holmes wakes Watson up. ‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.’ W-w-w-watson replied, "I see miiiiiiiiillions of stars.’” Jimmy paused to catch his breath. “’What does that tell you?’ Watson thoooooouuught about it. ‘Astronomically, it t-t-t-t-tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Sssssaturn is in Leo. Chronologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that G-g-g-g-god is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we wiiiiiiiiiiiill have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?’" Jimmy grinned widely at him, pausing to build suspense. "’Watson, you idiot. Someone stole the tent!’"

Tweek shrieked with laughter. Craig broke a smile, laughing at the joke while Jimmy preened at his success. “Wow, what a terrific audience!”

They eventually moved inside to play video games. Tweek didn’t even have a TV at home so Craig fully expected to have to take it easy on him or talk him through using a Switch, but to his surprise Tweek easily mastered the controls and even joined in on some of the teasing and trash talk; he surprised both Craig and Jimmy with how good he was at Mario Kart, winning a fair number of the races. It turned out thanks to his constant paranoia he was constantly looking at and memorizing the track, the ammunition, and upcoming obstacles, so he easily kept pace with them. Craig’s eyes kept going over to the blonde boy, a feeling of contentment flowing through him.

This felt right. Tweek was fitting in perfectly with his friends.

Next stop, Clyde’s house.


	4. Meeting Clyde

Craig fought his smile as he took one of the plates from Tweek while his friend carefully balanced the others in his hands. He had told Tweek that the best way to reach Clyde was through his stomach, and Tweek had responded by bringing over several plates of brownies, cookies and cupcakes that he had made personally; Craig was impressed by that, as he couldn’t cook anything more complicated than spaghetti.

They walked down the road together, Tweek twitching madly while Craig kept an uneasy eye on the plates in his hands, ready to catch one if they fell. This was obviously where Tweek’s experience in the coffee shop came in handy; as much as he twitched the plates remained steady in his hands.

Craig eyed Tweek as they walked together; the boy was obviously still terrified. Craig thought for a moment, then spoke. “You know, Token thought you were really cool.” Tweek jumped at the sound of Craig’s voice. “Jimmy did too. He really enjoyed the yoga instructions.” Tweek flushed red, but had a tentative smile on his face. “Clyde’s going to like you too, don’t worry; as soon as he sees you brought food he’ll be your friend for life.”

Tweek twitched again; miraculously the plates stayed balanced. “What if he doesn’t like them? What if they give him food poisoning? What if it turns out he’s allergic to something and he gets rushed to the hospital and they think I tried to kill him and I go to jail and my parents adopt another kid and forget about me and I end up being murdered in a gang war?! IT’S TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!! GAAAAAHHHH!!”

Craig smiled reassuringly at Tweek. “He’s going to love them. Your biggest problem is going to be listening to him beg you for more food for the rest of your life. He’s always starving after church anyways, so this is perfect.”

They carefully walked up to Clyde’s house. Tweek looked at Craig for strength, then carefully balanced the plates on one arm and knocked on the door with the other.

The door swung open, revealing Mr. Donovan on the other side. “Hello Craig. And is this Tweek?”

“GAH Yes!”

“It’s nice to meet you Tweek.” Smiling, Mr. Donovan stepped aside and let them in.

“Thank you.” Tweek squeaked as they stepped inside and took their shoes off. “Do you want a brownie or anything? OH Jesus now you feel like you have to! Do you have any allergies?! IT’S TOO MUCH PRESSURE!”

Mr. Donovan looked thoroughly confused, but Craig quickly stepped in. “It’s fine, Tweek.” He said encouragingly. “Do you want something, Mr. Donovan?” He offered.

Mr. Donovan shook his head. “Thank you boys, but I’m actually heading down to the store to cover for somebody. You can come on in though, Clyde is just getting changed. I left some hamburger in the fridge if you want some lunch, Clyde knows how to cook it for burgers or tacos, and I’ll be at my store if you need me.”

“Thanks.” Craig answered.

“OHGOD Thank you!” Tweek squeaked. Mr. Donovan gave him one last curious look before he left, closing the door behind him.

“Clyde?” Craig called up the stairs.

“Hi Craig! Be down in a minute!” Clyde’s voice shouted.

Craig led Tweek to the kitchen and helped put the plates on the counter, then they went to the living room and waited. A moment later Clyde came in, wearing blue jeans and a “South Park Cows” t-shirt. “Hey dude-Tweek! Awesome!” Clyde bounded forward like a puppy, eager to make a new friend. “Hi Tweek! It’s good to finally meet you officially!”

“GAH!” Tweek looked startled at Clyde’s energy. “Hi Clyde I BROUGHT FOOD!” He squeaked out the last part nervously. Clyde lit up brightly.

“Food! Thank God, I’m STARVING!” He hurried into the kitchen, Tweek and Craig following him. Clyde beamed as he saw all the baked treats on the counter.

“Do you guys want lunch first? My dad left stuff for burgers if you want, but I’m not that great a cook.”

“Tweek can cook.” Craig pointed out. Tweek flushed red, but Clyde focused on him.

“Tweek, please cook for us.” He begged shamelessly, giving him puppy eyes. Tweek’s lips twitched; Craig silently rejoiced as the twitchy blonde looked ready to laugh. Clearly he was already at ease with Clyde.

The three entered the kitchen and Tweek opened the fridge, pulling out hamburger. “Do you have shells for tacos?”

As Clyde eagerly pulled shells out of a cupboard, Craig looked at Tweek curiously. “I thought you were vegetarian?”

“I am, but I can eat veggies or something.” Tweek wasn’t even twitching anymore as he put the raw hamburger into a bowl Clyde provided, then began going through spices and sprinkling some in, apparently at random. He followed that up by turning the stove on.

“Do you cook a lot?” Clyde asked curiously.

“Baking mostly, for the coffee shop.” Tweek suddenly froze. “OH JESUS Do you have allergies?”

“No way!” Clyde answered.

“Clyde would eat Tupperware if he could.” Craig told him. Clyde grabbed him in a headlock and they wrestled around for a moment. Tweek squeaked and stayed out of their way, still preparing the food. The two boys stopped horsing around the moment Clyde smelled the meat cooking and the spices simmering.

“Tweek, that smells AMAZING!”

“Thanks.” Tweek answered shyly. He began chopping vegetables up and put the shells in the oven to heat them, then started handing out bowls and directing Clyde and Craig to the table; Clyde got juice boxes out of the fridge for them.

When the food was ready, the boys sat around the table and made their tacos. Tweek filled his shell with veggies and cheese, while Craig and Clyde piled theirs high with meat and dug in eagerly.

“This is so good!” Clyde managed around his food, wolfing down his taco eagerly.

Craig nodded his agreement. “This is fantastic, Tweek. Thank you very much!”

“You’re welcome!” Tweek said brightly, looking very relaxed; Craig wondered if his previous successes had made Tweek calmer or if he just liked Clyde’s infectious happiness.

Once they finished their lunch, Clyde passed out more juice boxes while Tweek and Craig brought the treats over. Clyde almost moaned as he bit into a brownie.

“Tweek, did you seriously make these?” He asked, his mouth full. Tweek nodded, and Clyde swallowed his bite and smiled. “That’s it. You’re gay now.”

“WHAT?!” Tweek shrieked.

“You’re gay and you’re marrying me. Then you can cook for me forever.”

Tweek giggled, but suddenly looked over in surprise. Clyde did too, and Craig suddenly realized that he had gripped the juice box so tightly it had exploded. Juice was everywhere.

Tweek hurried to the sink and grabbed a cloth, while Clyde went for the paper towels and Craig grabbed napkins. Together they hurriedly mopped up the mess, Clyde shooting Craig curious looks as they did. Once it was all cleaned up, Craig went to the bathroom saying he needed to wash his hands; as he did he stared in the mirror at himself.

He had no problem with gay people; he firmly believed in the “live and let live” rule, and really didn’t care who loved who. Hell, he and his friends had joked about marrying each other and playing video games forever and he was fine with that. Besides, that type of joke meant Clyde already considered Tweek a friend, and that was the whole point of this visit. So what was wrong with him?

Why did the idea of Clyde and Tweek bother him so much?

He got back to the table to find Clyde staring at him. “You OK, dude?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Craig said. He took his seat, ignoring the strange urge in him to sit between Clyde and Tweek. The blonde boy looked at him anxiously, so he offered a reassuring smile.

“Holy crap, you smiled!” Clyde exclaimed. “Quickly, Tweek, mark this down on the calendar. This is like seeing a leprechaun, only rarer!”

Tweek giggled and pretended to pull out a pen. “Craig smiled today.” He read, pretending to write.

“I smile.” Craig protested.

“You only smile for your guinea pig.” Clyde countered. His eyes twinkled and he looked at Tweek mischeviously. “Tweek, does he ever do that thing with you where you’ll talk to him for like an hour, then once you’re done he’ll just say ‘Ok’?”

Tweek giggled again. “Yeah! Or you’ll be in the middle of something, and he sees a dog or something and forgets you’re even there?!”

Clyde laughed. To his horror, Craig felt himself starting to blush. “I hate you both.” He muttered, staring at the table.

“He’s lying. He loooooves us.” Clyde told Tweek happily; to Craig’s surprise Tweek didn’t freak out this time but just giggled again. “I think he just…wait. Holy shit, Craig, ARE YOU BLUSHING?!”

“No!” Craig protested, quickly getting his face under control. The other two examined him carefully, then shook their heads.

“Awww. I’m determined to make him blush someday.” Clyde stage-whispered to Tweek, who giggled again. Craig shook his head, then thought quickly.

“You guys want to play football?” He asked, trying to change the subject.

Luckily Clyde was too flighty to focus on one thing for long. “Sure! Come on Tweek!” 

Tweek stared at the football nervously.

“It’s really easy!” Clyde told him. “Catch!”

Tweek leapt aside with a shriek as the ball sailed past him.

“We can do something else.” Craig suggested softly.

“No, this is easy!” Clyde hurried over. “Here, Tweek, I’ll show you how to do it. Craig, throw the ball to me.” As Craig moved uncertainly, unable to keep from watching the two of them, Clyde took Tweek’s hands. “Here, hold your hands like this. That way it’s easier to catch. Watch how I do it.” He held his hands out and Craig threw the ball; Clyde caught it, looking at Craig in surprise, and Craig suddenly realized he had thrown the ball harder than intended.

Clyde threw the ball back to him, explaining to Tweek how to throw it, and let him do the next toss; he threw it uncertainly, but Craig was able to catch it. He tossed it back, being careful of his strength this time, and Tweek barely missed it.

“Almost had it!” Craig told him encouragingly.

A few more tries and Tweek was slowly becoming less afraid of the ball; soon he was able to throw it and catch it like the two of them. Soon all three had a good game of catch going.

“Great job!” Clyde called out to him. “We’ll get you on the football team soon!”

“No way man! That is WAY too much pressure!” Tweek squawked. “What if I get tackled, then my bones break and I can’t work so my parents give me away and I end up with my uncle in Wisconsin and have to milk cows and become lactose intolerant and end up homeless and have to ride the rails and end up falling off a train and dying?!”

Clyde stared uncomprehendingly at him for a moment, then seemed to decided to ignore the entire rant. “You’ll do fine. Come on, let’s keep playing!”

They threw the ball around for a bit more before Craig went inside to use the washroom. Once he was done, he stared at himself in the mirror. What was WRONG with him today? Why was he getting so annoyed with Clyde?

He splashed some water on his face and went back outside. Tweek was missing, and Clyde had a grin on his face.

“Tweek?” Craig called, looking around. “Where did Tweek go?” Clyde grinned wider. “What are you up WHOA!” He cried out as something slammed into him hard and he fell to the ground. Above him, Tweek was giggling and Clyde was cheering him.

“Good hit, Tweek! Great tackle!”

The blonde scrambled off Craig, looking frightened suddenly. “Did I hurt you? OH JESUS now you’re paralyzed and going to-“

Craig cut him off mid-rant. “I’m fine, Tweek, just surprised.” He took the tentative hand Tweek offered him and got up. “Good tackle.”

“Thanks! Clyde showed me how!”

Craig felt the annoyance flow through him again, but one look at Tweek’s smile silenced him.

For the rest of the day they threw the ball around and tackled each other. Craig was thrilled Clyde and Tweek got along so well, but it still really bothered him that he was getting so annoyed.

He was happy that Tweek was making friends so quickly. He really was. This was all part of his plan.

So why did he keep wanting to get between Tweek and Clyde?


	5. Sleepover with Friends

Tweek unpacked his backpack for the 11th time, checking everything again. Pajamas, underpants, clothes for tomorrow, toothbrush, bag of coffee…he was pretty sure he had everything. He turned his attention to the bed now, where his sleeping bag was carefully rolled up and secured. His pillow lay on the bed as well, a clean pillowcase covering it.

Tweek stared down at the items, twitching. THIS WAS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE!

He still had no idea what he was thinking, agreeing to sleep over at Clyde’s house. Yes, he had met Craig’s friends, and they were pretty cool and hadn’t gotten him on television or threatened by Steven Spielberg or turned into a God worshipped by sea creatures yet, but that was one on one during the day. This was at night! What if he snored and they threw him out and he had to walk home in his pajamas and his parents didn’t hear him and he got kidnapped by the Ghost of Human Kindness?! What if somebody broke in and they got murdered? What if he said something and they decided they didn’t like him anymore? What if-

“Tweek! Craig’s here!”

Tweek squawked anxiously and quickly stuffed everything back into his bag, checking it one last time before zipping it up, grabbing everything, and heading down the stairs. Craig stood at the door, face as impassive as usual. A large backpack sat on his shoulders, a sleeping bag and pillow in his arms.

“Hey dude.”

“GAH! Hi Craig!” Tweek shot down the stairs, barely managing to keep from falling down as he hurried over. “Bye mom, bye dad!”

“Bye Tweek. Have fun playing with your friends. Remember, there’s nothing wrong with asking to take a break and do some meditation if you need to find your center.” Richard’s calm voice was surprisingly reassuring.

“I will!” Tweek dropped his overnight things and hugged his parents, resisting the urge to beg them to forbid him from going.

“Call us if you need us!” His mom said warmly. It was his first sleepover at another boy’s house and his parents had been careful to reassure him.

“Make sure to take a long detour so the underpants gnomes don’t follow you!” Richard told him.

“OH JESUS!!” Tweek shrieked.

“What?” Craig asked, looking confused.

“Richard!” Helen whacked his arm. “Have fun, sweetheart.”

Tweek gathered his things in his hands again and reluctantly left, Craig walking alongside him.

“I’m glad you’re coming.” Craig told him. “Everybody’s looking forward to seeing you again. We’ll probably end up playing truth or dare, so just remember what I said; don’t say ‘dare’ with Jimmy.”

Tweek flushed at the idea of playing truth or dare, but forced himself to go on. “Is there anything off limits?”

Craig seemed to think about it. “Not really. If you really don’t want to answer something you can do a dare instead, and if you’re really stuck they’ll ask something different instead.”

Tweek nodded anxiously. His eyes darted around, trying to see any sign of gnomish activity as they strode forward.

As they approached Clyde’s house, they saw Token heading up from the other direction, holding a monogrammed duffel bag and a big, thick sleeping bag. “Hey guys!”

“Hi Token!” Craig called out.

“Hi.” Tweek squeaked, twitching again under the pressure.

Token studied him for a second, then smiled warmly. His face radiated friendliness. “So Tweek, what are your thoughts on cappuccino vs espresso in the morning?”

Tweek instantly forgot his nervousness as he began to talk. “Espresso is overrated. It’s better to have a full coffee; it’s basically the same thing, except a cappuccino doesn’t have as strong a flavor…”

As they continued, Craig knocked on the door. A moment later Mr. Donovan appeared. “Hi boys. Clyde and Jimmy are in the living room, go on in.”

Tweek had no idea what to expect as he followed Craig and Token. Watching a movie maybe, or playing a board game, or just talking…he was NOT expecting to see Jimmy holding Clyde in a headlock, his crutches off to the side.

“Admit it, C-c-c-c-Admit it, Clyde!”

“Never!” Clyde managed to pick Jimmy up and toss him onto the couch. The two kept wrestling.

“Gah!” Tweek shrieked.

Craig rolled his eyes. “What are you two fighting about?”

Clyde got off Jimmy, who grabbed his crutches and got back up. “Ok, here’s the question: who would win in a fight, cavemen or astronauts?”

“That’s what you’re fighting about?” Tweek asked, totally astounded. He looked at Craig, but to his surprise both Craig and Token looked thoughtful.

“Do the astronauts have weapons?” Token asked.

“No!” Clyde and Jimmy chorused.

“Cavemen, then.”

“HA!” Jimmy pointed dramatically at Clyde.

“I don’t know.” Craig spoke up. “Astronauts train pretty hard, they’re in great shape. Plus they’d be smarter than cavemen, they’d have better strategies.”

“Oh please. C-c-c-cavemen hunted wild animals with sticks! They knew how to fiiiiiight!” Jimmy protested.

“It’s not about strategy.” Token agreed. “This is about raw strength and determination.”

“Raw strength isn’t as important as being able to think quickly. Astronauts are really smart and know how to move quickly, cavemen wouldn’t be able to keep up.” Craig countered.

“Exactly!” Clyde exclaimed. “Look at when Tweek beat up Craig.”

“It was a tie!”

“No it wasn’t, and that’s the point! You’re stronger than Tweek easily but he’s moving around a lot, he’s clever and looking for ways to beat you, meanwhile you’re just trying to punch him like a caveman.”

“I still tied him!” Craig protested.

The other three rolled their eyes in unison. “Tweek, settle it for us. Who would win, cavemen or astronauts?”

“OH JESUS! I can’t take sides. That is WAY too much pressure!” Tweek cried out. Craig patted his arm reassuringly. The other boys stared at them, and Craig quickly pulled his hand back.

“Come on guys, let’s play a board game.” He suggested. Clyde lit up and led them to his room.

“What do you want to play? I have Clue, Monopoly, Settlers of Caatan…”

After an epic game of Clue, culminating in Token pretending to arrest Jimmy, their stomachs were starting to rumble. Tweek had already begun emptying his thermos of coffee, but the others had politely refused his offer to share.

“I’ll get my dad to order pizza.” Clyde told them. “What do you guys want?”

Tweek shifted, uncertain how to bring this up. Craig somehow seemed to sense his discomfort and spoke. “Tweek’s actually a vegetarian. Can we get a veggie one for him?”

“Sure!” Clyde agreed easily. “So one veggie pizza, and what else?”

“Ham and pineapple?” Jimmy suggested, grinning at Craig and ducking to avoid the pillow thrown at him.

“Pineapple on pizza is just wrong.” Craig said flatly.

“It’s good!” Clyde protested.

“We’re not getting into that fight again.” Token said calmly. He looked at Tweek. “Never bring it up, or they’ll fight for days about pineapples.” Tweek giggled.

“How about classic pepperoni?” Craig suggested.

“Ham and pepperoni?” Clyde countered.

“Sounds g-g-g-g-Sounds g-g-g-g-g-Agreed.” Jimmy nodded.

“Great.” Token nodded.

“Awesome!” Clyde nodded. “I’ll let my dad know!”

As Clyde headed down the stairs, Jimmy leaned forward conspiratorially towards Tweek. “So where do you stand? Do p-p-p-pineapples go on p-pizza?”

“OH JESUS! Umm…no?”

“Right!” Craig sounded ridiculously pleased with that answer. “It’s gross. Only some sick, twisted mind would do that.”

“So, naturally, Jimmy does it.” Token nudged Jimmy, who gave them a toothy grin.

Clyde came back in. “Dad says it’ll be about half an hour.”

“Cool. So now what?” Token asked, looking back or the board games.

“Truth or Dare!” Clyde exclaimed excitedly. “We haven’t played with Tweek yet!”

Tweek fought to keep from panicking; he remembered Craig’s warning. He nodded tentatively as the boys all sat in a circle on Clyde’s floor. “How do we decide who goes first?”

“You can, since you’re new.” Token offered. Tweek’s eyes widened and he looked at Craig anxiously. Craig smiled reassuringly at him.

“Holy crap, Craig s-s-s-smiled!” Jimmy exclaimed.

“He did the other day too!” Clyde piped up eagerly. “Tweek and I both saw it!”

Token leaned forward to study Craig. “Are we sure this is really Craig and not an alien?”

“Shut up.” Craig muttered, flipping them all off.

“That’s Craig all right.” Token acknowledged.

“Are we sure?” Clyde asked, leaning over and staring straight into Craig’s eyes. “Quick, say something only Craig would know!”

Craig glared at him. “Don’t be a dick, Clyde.”

Clyde shook his head and grinned at Tweek. “So what’s your secret? Do you drug him or just get him laid?”

Tweek turned a brilliant shade of red but still giggled. Clyde looked pleased with himself as he sat back down. Trying to stop blushing, Tweek looked around for a moment before deciding to be brave. “Clyde, truth or dare?”

Clyde didn’t hesitate. “Truth.”

Tweek thought carefully before speaking. “Have you ever kissed Bebe?”

“Yep!” Clyde looked proud of himself. He glanced around for a moment. “Jimmy, truth or dare?”

“Dare.” Jimmy smiled proudly.

“I dare you to call PC Principal and tell him that Strong Woman is a surprisingly good driver.”

They watched eagerly as Jimmy dialed his phone, setting it to speakerphone. Tweek watched with wide eyes, impressed at Jimmy’s absolute fearlessness and willingness to embarrass himself without hesitation 

“Hello?”

“Hi, PC Principal. I just w-w-w-wanted to let you know that Strong Woman is a surprisingly g-g-good driver.”

“WHAT! YOU THINK THAT BEINGS WHO IDENTIFY AS WOMEN AREN’T GOOD DRIVERS! HOW DARE YOU IMPUGN THOSE WITH THAT GENDER IDENTITY AND-“

Jimmy hung up on him in the middle of his sentence, laughing. The others all joined in. Tweek found himself giggling with the rest of them.

After he calmed down, Jimmy’s eyes flicked between Tweek and Craig; Tweek squeaked realizing it might be his turn next. Jimmy seemed to realize that and his eyes hit Craig. “Craig, truth or dare?”

Craig visibly hesitated. “Truth.”

A smile crossed Jimmy’s face. “D-d-d-d-do you really think you tied Tweek in your f-f-f-fight?”

“It WAS a tie!” Craig insisted. “We both hit equally hard.”

“Bull.” Token shot back. “You gave him some bruises; he almost broke your nose!”

“It was a lucky shot!” Craig protested.

“Tweek, back us up.” Clyde looked at him. “You won, right?”

Tweek squeaked again. Craig shook his head. “It’s not his turn. You asked me and I answered it.”

“Fine.” The others grudgingly leaned back and looked at Craig expectantly.

Tweek knew it before Craig spoke. It was inevitable. “Tweek, truth or dare?”

“Truth?” He said hesitantly.

Craig studied him for a moment before asking. “When we left your house today, your dad said something about ‘underpants gnomes’-“

“OH JESUS!” Tweek buried his face in his hands, immediately blushing again. His father just had to bring those creatures up in front of Craig, didn’t he?

“So what are they?” Craig asked him.

Tweek growled, still hiding his face. “They’re these creatures that live under our house, OH JESUS, and steal my underpants! I don’t know why! Dad says they’re figuring out what to do with them and how to make a profit! I’m almost out of underpants now! I can’t afford to buy more! IT’S SO MUCH PRESSURE!!”

The others stared at him.

“So they’re stealing them, to make a profit…how?” Token asked.

“I don’t know! They haven’t figured out step 2!”

“Step 2?” Craig asked.

“Step one is stealing underpants, step 2 is a mystery, step 3 is profit.” Tweek moaned, totally humiliated.

“Have you ever seen one?” Clyde asked.

“Yes!” Tweek protested. “They look like garden gnomes and they sing and they come into my house and steal my underpants and take them to their secret lair!”

“How big are they?” Clyde asked, leaning forward intently.

“Not very big. They’re like, I don’t know, 5 or 6 inches tall!”

“Perfect size for a butterfly net then!” Clyde exclaimed eagerly.

“We should hunt them d-d-d-d-down!” Jimmy exclaimed. “Sleepover at Tweek’s house!”

“No!” Tweek shrieked, horrified at the thought of his friends meeting his parents.

“Come on!” Clyde protested. “Next time for sure, we can set traps for the gnomes and search your basement for them!”

“Yeah! We can have a full exped-ex-exp-ex-ex-we can have a full exp-ex-we can search for them!”

“I’m thinking we split up into groups and we all have nets.” Token said thoughtfully. “Pile underwear somewhere and stay out of sight, then two of us block the exits and the others try to corner them.”

Gradually Tweek managed to stop blushing and calm down enough to peek out from behind his hands. The others were all grinning at him.

After a moment, out of sheer desperation to get the attention off of himself, Tweek shrieked “Clyde, truth or dare?!”

Clyde grinned at him. “Dare.”

Tweek’s mind raced. He had never given a dare in his life, and even though Craig had told him how crazy some of the dares were he had no idea what would be too mean. What if they didn’t like it? What if they thought he was lame? What if it was so gross they threw him out? This was TOO MUCH PRESSURE!

Suddenly Craig leaned over and whispered into his ear. Tweek hesitated, but Craig hadn’t steered him wrong yet. He took a deep breath. “I dare you to change your relationship status on Facebook to ‘it’s complicated.’”

Clyde’s eyes widened. “Craig, you suck!” He protested. “Tweek don’t listen to him, he’s a bad influence!”

Jimmy and Token were both laughing. “Suck it up Clyde!”

Clyde cringed. “Fine, but you get to explain it to Bebe.” He pulled out his phone and played with it for a moment, then closed his eyes and hit the button. The others all pulled out their phones to check on Facebook, Tweek peering over Craig’s shoulder. Everybody grinned.

Jimmy held out his hand, then slowly lowered his fingers to count down from 5. Sure enough, as soon as the last finger vanished Clyde’s phone rang. Clyde quickly brought it to his ear.

“Hey babe…no, listen, it was…no, it was just…no, I swear there’s nobody else, it was…no, honey…Bebe wait!!...It was a dare, that’s all, just a…yeah, truth or dare…no it was Tweek, actually, but Craig gave him the idea and…no, they don’t think you’re a joke…”

As Clyde continued to plead desperately, Mr. Donovan’s voice rang out. “Boys, the pizza is here!”

By the time they finished eating and got back upstairs, Clyde had managed to get off the phone. He glared at Craig as they sat down again. “Craig, truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

Clyde looked disappointed. “Do you prefer blondes, brunettes, or redheads?”

“Blondes.” The answer came without thinking. There was a moment of silence.

“That came quick.” Token said, amusement in his voice. “Is there a particular blonde you have your eyes on?”

Craig shook his head. “No.”

“As long as it’s not Bebe,” Clyde said brightly. “Who else do we know that’s blonde?”

“Most of the girls in our class have b-b-brown hair.” Jimmy leaned forward, grinning widely. “It isn’t P-principal Victoria, is it C-c-craig?”

“Nobody.” Craig said flatly. Tweek looked at him curiously, trying to read him, but Craig seemed more annoyed than usual. Before they could question him, Craig looked back at Tweek. “Truth or dare, Tweek?”

Tweek squawked, not expecting to go again so soon. “Truth!” He blurted out.

Craig nodded. “Have you ever had a girlfriend?”

“GAH No!” Tweek flushed at the thought. Craig looked strangely pleased with that answer. Deciding not to dwell on it, Tweek looked around again. “OH JESUS TOKEN TRUTH OR DARE!”

Token smiled. “Truth.”

Tweek took a moment to get himself under control while he thought quickly. “Do you like coffee or tea?”

“I like both.” Token answered, smiling at him. “Coffee is good, but sometimes it’s nice to just have a cup of tea and relax.”

Tweek nodded with relief as Token looked at Jimmy. “Jimmy, truth or dare?”

“Dare!”

As Token thought, Tweek stood up quickly. “Can I use the bathroom?”

“Sure go ahead. Down the hall to your left.” Clyde answered.

“W-w-w-watch out for the ghost!” Jimmy called out.

Tweek froze midstep. “Ghost?”

“Yeah. It’s haunted because Clyde’s m-m-m-Clyde’s mom died in theeeere.”

Tweek turned, his eyes wide.

“He’s kidding.” Craig told him.

“No, she really died in there.” Clyde commented.

“Yeah but it’s not haunted.” Craig countered.

“She died in there?” Tweek squeaked.

“It’s fine.” Clyde told him. “Go ahead, it’s safe.”

Token looked firmly at Jimmy. “Just for that, I dare you to change your Facebook status to ‘I’m so alone even the ghost of my STD is gone!”

Jimmy rolled his eyes as Tweek hurried down the hall. He hesitated outside the door, staring into the bathroom, but it looked totally normal. He took a deep breath and raced in, going as fast as possible and washing his hands quickly. He kept looking around nervously, but everything looked totally normal. He leaned against the wall, trying to get himself under control…and a loud noise erupted.

In a blind panic, he hit the light switch to turn it off as he shot back to Clyde’s room, trying to convince himself he had just turned the fan on. Jimmy was showing off his new status and the notifications he was getting. Tweek hurried back to his spot beside Craig.

Jimmy’s eyes lit on him. “Tweek, truth or dare?!”

“OH JESUS WHY ME?!” He shrieked.

“Because I know these guys, you’re still n-n-new.”

Tweek stared helplessly around for a moment before squeaking out “Truth?”

Jimmy grinned at him. “What’s the biggest crowd you’ve b-b-b-been in n-naked?”

Tweek exhaled. At least this one was easy. “My parents and I go to nudist colonies sometimes for vacation. Last Christmas there were tons of people!”

Jimmy looked annoyed. “Darn, I f-f-f-forgot about that.”

Tweek didn’t give him a chance to recover. “Craig, truth or dare?”

Craig studied him. “Dare.”

Tweek squeaked; he hadn’t anticipated that. He was planning to ask Craig if he had ever had a girlfriend. Now he had to come up with a dare by himself! That was WAY too much pressure! His eyes shot around, looking for an escape, and fell on Jimmy. Suddenly their earlier conversation came into his head. “I dare you to put pineapple on a piece of pizza and eat it.”

Craig’s eyes closed. Cackling, Jimmy leaned forward and offered a fist-bump; Tweek found himself bumping fists with all three other boys.

Reluctantly standing, Craig went down to the kitchen, the others following him. Clyde eagerly dug pineapple chunks out of the fridge and put them on a slice of pizza, and Craig made a show of eating the entire thing.

“I’ve been poisoned. Send for help.” He said drily.

“Nice one Tweek!” Clyde told him cheerfully. “We’re going to have to watch out for this one, guys!”

Tweek flushed, but was pleased at how well the dare turned out. They headed back upstairs, Craig still complaining about the taste in his mouth.

As they sat, Craig’s eyes narrowed. “Token, truth or dare?”

“Dare.” Token answered.

“I dare you to sing ‘I Just Can’t Wait to be King’ to the tune of ‘The Star Spangled Banner.’”

Token moaned, then thought it through and began singing. Tweek joined in with the rest of them as Token absolutely butchered one of his favourite songs.

As soon as he was done, Token looked at him. “Tweek, truth or dare?”

“Why do you keep attacking me?!” Tweek wailed, hiding his face in his hands.

“Because you’re new here.” Token answered calmly. “We’ve all embarrassed each other tons, you’re the only one we can still really ask interesting questions.”

Still hiding, Tweek muttered “Truth.”

“If you had to give up coffee forever or never get a girlfriend, what would you pick?”

“OH JESUS THAT’S TOO MUCH PRESSURE!” Tweek wailed. After a moment, he finally spoke again. “I’d never have a girlfriend.” Not allowing them to dwell on the answer at all, he blurted out, “Jimmy, truth or dare?!”

“Dare.” Jimmy answered eagerly.

Tweek froze for a moment, then spoke again. “I dare you to take off your socks with your teeth.”

Craig, Clyde, and Token erupted in laughter. They immediately pulled out their phones as Jimmy carefully manuevered his legs around, then pulled his socks off enough to grab the material in his mouth and managed to get them free. He pointedly spat them aside and showed off his bare feet gleefully before pointing dramatically at Clyde. “Clyde, truth ooooor d-d-dare?”

Clyde hesitated, then spoke reluctantly. “Dare.”

Jimmy lit up. “I dare you to t-t-t-tie your shiiirt like a g-g-g-girl and twerk.”

Instantly Token and Craig’s phones both pointed straight at Clyde, who grinned at them and tied his shirt around his midriff. Tweek was howling with laughter as Clyde twerked madly.

Clyde sat down with a grin. “Craig, truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“How many girls have you kissed?” Clyde asked curiously.

“None.” Craig answered flatly.

“That’s d-d-d-disappointing.” Jimmy commented.

“Get over it. Tweek, truth or dare?”

Tweek hesitated. He had been debating this for a few rounds now; he hadn’t quite dared with anybody else, but with Craig… “Dare.” He answered.

A moment of silence before Clyde applauded. “Finally!”

Craig studied Tweek. “I dare you…to disco dance without music.”

Blushing, Tweek stood up and started doing stereotypical disco dance moves. The other boys began cheering him on as he waved his hands and moved his hips. To his surprise, as embarrassing as it was Tweek was actually having tons of fun!

When he finished, the others applauded him wildly.

A lot of dares and a movie later, everybody was starting to fall asleep. They all crawled into their sleeping bags; Tweek had set up so that he could watch into the hallway to make sure no ghosts came out of the bathroom. Mr. Donovan had turned on the bathroom light, and Tweek focused on it nervously.

He was almost asleep when Clyde suddenly slipped out of bed and went to the washroom. To Tweek’s surprise, he didn’t close the door, but he leaned in close to the mirror. It fogged up; Tweek desperately told himself it was just Clyde’s breath, and it was Clyde’s brown hair distorted in the foggy reflection, not a strange figure in the room.

He could just hear Clyde whisper “Good night, mom.”

Tweek woke up to the sound of a chainsaw wielding maniac attacking the room. He scrambled up, only to see the other boys looking around in annoyance.

“Sorry, Tweek. We should have warned you about Craig.” Token pointed to Craig’s sleeping bag; the noirette was snoring loudly. “We have ear plugs if you want some.”

Tweek looked at the plugs for a moment, then wordlessly crawled over to Craig. He had a cousin who snored like this at one of their outdoor retreats, and if he remembered correctly what his aunt did…grabbing Craig, he gently rolled the boy onto his side instead of his back, then reached over and closed his mouth. With his other hand, he rubbed circles on Craig’s back for a moment. Sure enough, the black haired boy fell silent.

Trying to ignore the stares of the others, Tweek crawled back to his sleeping bag. A moment later, he heard Clyde swearing. “Are. You. Fucking. KIDDING ME?” The brunette hissed. “We’ve put up with that for YEARS, and it was THAT EASY?”

The next morning Tweek found himself eating pancakes with the others. Mr. Donovan had made up a large breakfast, and despite the strange look he gave Tweek he made a large pot of coffee. The boys ate quickly, then hurried into the other room to play Mario Kart. Tweek stayed behind to help Mr. Donovan clean up, then waited a few minutes, drinking his coffee and thinking about the night. It had been surprisingly fun!

He took another sip of his coffee, then it hit him.

He was happy. He wasn’t scared, or twitching, or imagining horrible things happening. They hadn’t thrown him out or made him a God to sea creatures or anything. They had just relaxed and had fun, and he was happy in the morning.

He smiled down into his coffee. This was how it was supposed to be.

On cue, Clyde’s voice rang out. “Tweek, come on! I need your help kicking Craig’s ass in here!”

“In your dreams, Clyde.” Craig’s nasally voice shot back.

Tweek took one more sip of his coffee then refilled his mug. Smiling, he stepped out to join his friends.


End file.
